Unlearning a thing has to be one of the most challenging tasks of my life.
When I imagine what being alone is like, I think of words like: alone, solo or solitary. Sometimes, I do feel alone, if I’m honest. If I feel like someone doesn’t understand what I’m saying, or get me what I’m saying fully, I feel alone. I feel alone when there isn’t any cooperation within my small community to get things done or to work together. It’s not as though I feel alone, as in “there’s no one around,” but I feel alone in this thought (no one understands me). It’s a little difficult to explain, but I’ll try.
I first learned how to be “okay” with being alone probably when I was in middle school. Those were some tough years. I was bullied constantly by two guys in my neighborhood. At the bus stop. A few times a week. For a couple of years.
It was bad.
More like awful.
I didn’t know how to defend myself (for many reasons that I may write about in another post) and those who saw me getting bullied did nothing. This was my first of many encounters with the selfishness of humans. I wish I could go back and talk to my younger self. Things would’ve gone a little differently.
Nevertheless, I learned what it meant to feel alone. In hindsight, I wasn’t alone but I felt that way: 100%. I didn’t tell anyone at home because I felt like I couldn’t. My parents were busy raising four (4) other children and still learning each other as a married couple.
[Pause: This isn’t a “dig” towards people who wronged me in my childhood. This is background info. I’m going somewhere with this.]
Later in life, I learned how to feel alone even more. When I was a senior in high school, my grandmother passed. It was the first time that someone I was close to died. It was hard. Her funeral was two (2) days before my graduation and I really couldn’t handle it. Any of it. I just got through it. The funeral. Graduation. I didn’t really say goodbye to my childhood friends because I had a hard time saying goodbye to my grandmother. I didn’t process anything. I just kept going.
I learned then, that saying goodbye would be something that I’d avoid. I also became more comfortable with feeling alone, as odd as it sounds. I also adopted a “‘woe is me” attitude, too.
[Hey, it’s not pretty but it’s the truth. I guess that’s why they call it ugly.]
Everything has a process, and just as I accepted feeling alone, there’s also a process in me accepting that I am not.
For instance, I started a small business a few years ago. I was talking to my barber one day about it, and he offered to help get me started. His guidance was exactly what I needed. Thank you, PWE.
Recently, out over-the-range microwave crapped out. I was talking to my brother about it over dinner at the house. He said that he has a new microwave (still in the box) that he bought for his new condo. He gave it to us. We only had to pay to get it installed. That was exactly what I needed and at the perfect time. I am thankful.
I have many more stories like those to share. What I’m getting at is if I take the time to be grateful, gratefulness will open my eyes to see that which I once couldn’t: I am not alone.
As I was saying…
Unlearning a thing has to be one of the most rewarding things in my life.
Until Next Time,
Love & Peace.