I remember everything.
Every horrible word.
Every terrible action.
I thought I had gotten rid of them by moving forward, but I hadn’t dealt with how their comments made me feel. Who are they, you ask? Various people throughout my life, who I felt had done me wrong (in some way). Being made fun of because I wasn’t cool (coolness is a trauma response-we’ll talk about that another time)? Let’s carry it. Being bullied throughout middle school? Pack it up.
I didn’t realize I had been carrying around all of this until recently. The mind forgets but the body keeps score. That’s the truth. I have been carrying all of these things around most of my life. They have been accumulating over the years. Since the pandemic, this has all come to a head: I must do something. My body has been speaking to me and I’ve had to figure it out. Through arthritic, walk-halting pain, I’ve finally landed on one word: forgiveness. Actually, I didn’t come to this epiphany on my own.
One night, I was looking for something to fall asleep to on YouTube. I clicked on a sermon. It was talking about forgiveness. The sermon all but said my name that’s how personal it felt. I was captivated and convicted as I watched with tears streaming down. Without an audible response, I divinely knew that I had to walk the path of forgiveness. I talked with my therapist and she agreed.
Forgiveness is controversial. No one wants to relent, even if the one who is offering the forgiveness will benefit the most. People still find it hard to do. I was talking to my good Brother Theo about my new journey, the journey to forgiveness. I felt so foolish because the thing I needed to do was staring me directly in the face the entire time. I also felt foolish because forgiveness is the centerpiece of my Faith (The old me would’ve parked here to give myself a pity party, but I know better now). He told me not to give myself a hard time and that the simple thing is often overlooked.
This road ain’t pretty or perfect. It’s a slow, steady climb that doesn’t happen overnight. I have to deal with my rumination as soon as it arises. Some memories are hard to forgive immediately, but I can acknowledge how I feel and circle back at another time. Honestly, I find it easier to forgive others than forgive myself. I beat myself up sometimes because I allowed some things to happen to me. I wished that I was different back then, but I have to give myself grace and forgiveness.
This is also why I’ve become the person my younger self can be proud of.
Forgiveness has become a vast word I am learning more about each day. I’ve written more about it offline, but now isn’t the time to share.
I’ll leave you with something I heard and found to be true: Forgiveness is for you; not them.
Until Next Time,
Love & Peace