My week began with news of a friend’s mother passing away. I felt sad for her. Usually, I’m the person who has something profound to say, to help cheer people up. This time, I didn’t say anything. No interjecting. No sidebar. Nothing. Instead I just listened. I let her talk until she was through. And after she was done, I told her that I would be here if she wanted to talk more. This is only indicative of my behavior in this season of my life.
Nowadays, I am deliberately not saying much at all. It’s not that I don’t have much to say, it’s that I don’t care to say much. Really. I think I’m tired of hearing myself talk. By far, I’m not a person who talks all the time, but now more than ever, I want what I say to count. I beginning to speak more intently now, and I question even the words that come out of my mouth. I want to be sure that my words are resonating truth, as opposed to something that I have repeatedly heard, so much so that they become truth by proxy.
The same goes for people I choose to invest time in. I care to be more purposeful about that as well. Let’s face it, the past 34 years were filled with people and things that I inadvertently kept around; sometimes good, sometimes not. Some people that I allowed in my life didn’t know how to treat me, and I didn’t know how to teach them to, either. I can’t begin to tell you why it’s been allowed to be so in my life, but I recognize that there must be a change.
I’m taking this time to quietly work on things from within as well. Dreams that I have; I’m developing ways to go after them (a plan). I am quite the dreamer, but not so much the planner (lol). I feel the urgency that my life needs to be more willful, although I realize that everything doesn’t go according to plan. I don’t feel like I’m “running out of time,” instead I feel like there is something great for me to do and I can’t allow myself to be distracted by past idiosyncratic thoughts. Where I’m headed will require a great deal of focus (wow, I’m not sure where that came from, but I believe it very strongly).
I must conquer old demons to have the strength, knowledge and skill to defeat new ones.
I’m dealing with some things I’ve been unhappy with for a while. I won’t run from them. Instead, I’m sifting through those, too. Before, I would find myself purposely keeping busy to bury the hurt; but now I am continually learning to confront those things. What I stand to gain is greater than what I’ve been losing. I stand to gain a completely healed heart, a greater smile and a deeper happiness to which I have yet to know. As I end this post, I leave with you a screenshot of a conversation between me and one of my close friends, who I have come to adore. I consider myself fortunate to know such a wise person.
Until we meet again.
Love & Peace.