GiveLoveLiveMore

Christmas time is my most favorite time of year. I just enjoy seeing families arrive at the airport, the music, the sights: all of it. I get a warm feeling and the backing of my smile is supported by true joy. But it’s a hard climb this time around.

Subconsciously I’ve been using the holiday season to both wrap up my year and boost me into the new year. But what usually gets me “over the hump” isn’t working this year. In recent years, I’ve discovered that the somberness of fall and winter affect my mood overall. Specifically, I find the gray days cause my countenance to become dim. At first, I didn’t know what it was. I tried to pray it away. I tried to listen to upbeat music (I’m currently listening to Bright Lights by Robert Glasper). I tried to ignore it. I tried to weather the storm, alone, mostly. Nothing worked to help me overcome this “thing” that I didn’t quite know how to describe.

Coupling this with reading about the people who are transitioning during this time. I’ve felt sad. I empathize with those who are losing people, particularly during this season, forever complicating the feeling of the holidays with the passing of their loved one.

All of this makes me sad. Even as I write this, I am sad.

And that’s okay.

I don’t have to do anything about being sad. I can just be with my sadness. I don’t have to think my way out of it. Naw. Just be.

The other day, my little one asked me, “Daddy, what’s wrong?” I told her, “I don’t know. I’m sad and I’m not sure why. Some days are just gray. Today is gray.” She sweetly gave me a hug and kept playing.

Talking through this with my therapist has helped me deal with and process the grayness. Also talking with friends has helped my discovery that this isn’t my own personal, singular experience. After talking with one of my homies, I found out that he is finding it difficult this season too. That’s it. No fixing it. Just acknowledgement. It felt good to be in a safe space with an authentic Brother in the Faith. Sometimes, being seen can do a lot for my mental health.

I want to encourage us that days will get better, and life ebbs and flows (including grayness). I know they will. Just don’t forget to feel how we feel. Acknowledge it and go through.

Until Next time,

Love & Peace.

-Herbie