Truth Serum Alpha

So, I had a discussion with my brother the other day that I’m going to write through to make some sense of it.  I apologize in advance if this sounds like a one-sided post.  But hey, who am I kidding?  It normally does.  Lol.

I’m at a strange place in my life.  I’ve always been that guy who did what he was told, and let’s face it, I did it well.  As a child, I would be told to do “this” to get “that.”  It seemed easy enough.  So, I would do what I was told, to get what I was promised.  Most times, things would work out according to plan.  If I didn’t receive what was promised, I would totally freak out.  I would think, “But you said I would get this if I did that!  Well, I did this, but I didn’t get that!  What gives?!”

I was told, “Go to college and get a good job with benefits.”  Okay, so I have a good job with benefits (thank God).  Now what?  My brother said, “It sounds like you’ve never been able to think for yourself.”  While I love what I do, I’m becoming restless, again.  The last time this happened a couple of years ago, my life was flipped upside down (or maybe right side up, depending on perspective). Let’s just say the catastrophic change made me feel as though I would die; but I didn’t.

Executing rules is not so cool as an adult.  My whole life, I’ve followed other people’s rules.  The terrifyingly great thing about my life is that I can make my own decisions and it only will effect me.  No wife, no kids; just me.  I’m sure that I should feel encouraged by this, but right now its more terrifying than great. Whose rules will I follow now?  I think this issue has only scratched the surface, though.

My brother asked,”What if you find out that instead of playing drumset, you find that you really like to play the congas?”  I was speechless.  Hmm.  I really can’t adequately answer that question right now.  I’ve been playing drums since birth (for the most part) and me not playing drums would be just weird.  I think his point was that I need to spend time finding out who I am.  I reluctantly admitted to him that I was rather embarrassed that I’m 34 years old and I didn’t know myself.  That’s really what it amounts to.  I don’t know myself.  There.  Now you know it, too.

I guess what makes it so embarrassing (to me at least), is that I feel as though I should know who I am at this point in my life.  I know, I know.  There’s no exact age when one should know themselves, but I just feel like I should by now, is all.  I get it.

What do I want to do with the rest of my life?  Where do I want to go?  While I have no clue, I’ll find out.  I’ll keep trying and praying.  I’ll figure it out.  I normally do.

Until next time.

Love, Peace and Guidance,




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