….inside my head, with words that I should’ve said.  As I drown, in my regrets, I can’t take back the words I never said.” -Lupe Fiasco featuring Skylar Grey

Words I never said

I had been playing this song for about a year before I really listened to the chorus.  It sums up the life of a passivist (I totally just made that up).  For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a passive person.  I’ve been shedding that identity for the past 6 months or so, and more importantly, making a conscience effort to change it.

My friends credit me for having such a way with words, but the truth is that I try to find the best way to say things.  For instance, instead of telling someone to do something, I might say,”You may want to…”  The “upswing” of this gift is that I have a less likely chance of hurting anyone’s feelings.  The “downswing” is that I find myself calculating my speech.  It’s to the point that I’m now conditioned to do this in everyday life.  In the past, I didn’t give people straight answers.  I was notorious for this one:

Her: “Where do you want to go eat?”

Me: “I can eat just about anywhere.  It doesn’t matter.”

Her: “Well, let’s go to Olive Garden.”

Me: “Naw.  Not there.  I don’t feel like eating there.”

Her: “So, where do you want to eat?”

See the problem?  Just reading that makes me upset with my former self.  Make a decision already!  I had good intentions, though (so was the road to hell paved with).  I wanted to be accommodating, but really, it came out more like being indecisive.  I never quite understood, until recently, why this is unattractive to females.  A woman needs a man to lead; make decisions.  I shied away from making decisions in the past because I didn’t want to appear to be a male chauvinist.  I wanted to defer to my lady, to show that her input was valued.  While my intentions are good, this can be annoying as h*ll.  Nowadays, I think it’s okay to offer to defer, but be ready with a plan, just in case.

Another problem with being passive is that you’re not being exactly honest with people.  It’s okay to tell people how you really feel, with tact.  Sometimes, when you don’t give a definitive answer, you could be holding back.  There were times when I should’ve told others what I was really feeling all along, instead of passing the “buck” by not saying much.  I would passively pass up the opportunity to speak honestly, until I couldn’t take it anymore.  At that point, I was liable to say anything out of frustration.  One of my friends has said, “Two passive people aren’t going to work in a relationship.”  I can dig it.  My own passivity has helped the demise of a relationship or two in the past (that still should’ve ended, nonetheless).

Nowadays, I am learning of ways to speak the truth, in love.  I don’t have to say things in a hurtful way, but I do owe it to all involved [me & them] to be honest, sooner rather than later.  I am finding that this approach is making me more free.  I don’t have to hold back what I’m feeling, thus leaving me with a clear conscience. Not to mention, people will appreciate your honesty and straightforwardness.

You should strive to keep it “100,” [percent] if you will.  Am I saying that you should curse out your boss the next time you are told to do something you don’t want to do?  No way (otherwise, you could run this risk of being an entrepreneur, lol).  My momma always says, “You can kill a person inside with your words.  There’s always a way to say things.”  Right on, Momma.  Right on.

Until Next time,

Love & Peace.

Herbie