I’m sitting here, at my “New-new” writing spot, across from my back up spot, IHOP. Shhh! Please don’t tell her that I’m being an infidel. LOL. Hey, even writing spots need some side action, right? Oh c’mon, it was a joke, for crying our loud! It’s amazing, because I’m here at Starbucks, which is a mile from my place. I decided to try something new. I’m sitting outside, because who could be outside on such a gorgeous day as this? The breeze is lightly blowing through my short, black, coarse, disheveled hair….and I LIKE IT! Hahaha! Anyway, I decided to leave my dwelling place to write, but I didn’t want to drive too far, considering my beloved car and I are about to break up for good. “She” [the car] knows that it’s about to be over, because suddenly she’s great on gas these days. Puh-lease. I don’t even want to hear it! Save it for the next guy. [I should probably end this miniature tirade, considering it’s about…a…car.]
So, you like the title, huh? No? If only you knew how long it took for me to come up with that, you’d have a little more compassion. Okay, okay. Out with it. This all stemmed from a conversation that my brother and I had last night. We were at a popular wing eatery, watching the game. Our game-watching normally consists of food, laughs and seasonings of other meaningful topics. I was talking to him about a recent meeting that I had on Friday evening. I explained how excited I was excited to be working with such an artist of this caliber. I also explained that the artist loved some of my music I let her hear, and she is excited to work with me as well. My brother said, “Yeah, that’s cool. You do have some pretty hot ideas. That’s real.” I told him that at this point in my life, I’m just trying to like myself. Let me explain.
Yeah, I “like” myself just fine. I think that I’m attractive (most of the time) and that I’m a great guy. I get it. But I absolutely, positively hate attention, and especially in a good way. These days, I get a considerable amount of “good press”, but I don’t pay much attention to it. My brother calls me “clueless” at times because he says that I never notice when a female is interested in me. I agree with this statement 100%. I am the type of person that will say “thank you” when given a compliment, and quickly move on to another topic (all within the same breath). I never give a second thought that she could be interested. I guess I just don’t want to get my “wires crossed.” That’s just who I’ve become. I do know, however, where it came from. I must explain further.
I can remember, when I was younger, reading a particular scripture that talked about how King Herod was immediately killed because he didn’t give GOD praise for this great oration he had given to the people (Acts 12:23, paraphrased). I took that scripture and “ran with it”. I said to myself, “I will NEVER, EVER, take GOD’s praise as my own!” While I now know that I took that particular scripture out of context, the damage has already been done. I would make sure that I would remain as humble and “lowly” as I possibly could. Well, after telling my brother this, he replied, “You gotta give yourself credit. You gotta start somewhere. If you get too high, HE [GOD] will bring you down.” It seemed like it was one of the most influential sayings of my life. Simple, yet profound.
I’m sure that I’ve heard him say that before, but it really sunk in last night. I began pondering how I probably should begin giving myself credit. In an unrelated story, we had a separate conversation earlier about how I gave credit to someone who said a statement that I found to be “profound.” My brother quickly pointed out the fact that, as he put it, “You say the same sh#t all the time to your students!” I don’t know, I guess I forgot that I did say it to my students. Maybe it sounded differently because someone else said it. Heck, I don’t know.
All I know is that I have to start giving myself credit. I mean, I “like” the music that I create, but I just don’t dwell on it, is all. I am quick to appreciate other people’s work, but glaze past the accomplishments of my own musical works. This issue is somehow tied to my confidence, I reckon (There. I said it. Happy?). People have frequently told me of their admiration (my music, personality, etc), but it has been nearly impossible for me to fathom that they are talking about me. I have to do something differently, that’s for sure. This is my vice, and I own it. The thing is that I now that I’m not in denial, I have to move forward in my “treatment”, if you will. To get something different, you have to do something different. I refuse to be insane (insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result).
Wow. I’m beginning to see things differently, however slight it may be. Who is this blog supposed to be helping anyway? Clearly, it’s helping me. LOL. So, friends, as transparent as I have been since this blog’s inception, I remain true to form. If this has helped you, great. If not, that’s still great. Something I’ve said will help you one day: hopefully. Just remember: Give yourself credit.
Until Next time,
Love & Peace.
-Herbie “Giving myself some credit” Brown
2 thoughts on “I don’t like myself”
Great post. I seem to always find a lot of myself in your blogs. I’m not a fan of attention and have a hard time accepting people thoughts of me and/or what I do as well.
Thank you for reading. Hmmmm….Maybe this explains why we’re friends?